May 21, 2016 11:40 am

Widow and recent mortuary school graduate Leslie Doyle and her two children, teen Jonathan and 10-year old Jamie, move to a small town. Leslie wants to start on a new career and a new life for them all.

The family pulls up to the dilapidated former Fowler Brothers Mortuary. A cemetery stands directly across from it. A cheesy real estate agent welcomes Leslie and her children. He tells Leslie because she has chosen a lease-to-buy option; she must pay for all the repairs, including the recently backed-up septic tank. Leslie doesn’t seem phased by this, and is excited to move in.

Inside the house, Jonathan wanders upstairs and into a room with bars on the windows. He sees the name BOBBY F carved into a piece of wood in the room. He runs his fingers over the carving, wondering who Bobby F could have been. Leslie comes to check on Jonathan and he asks if he can have the room as his bedroom. She tells him yes. Jonathan asks Leslie, “How are you going to do this?” Leslie just smiles and tells him everything will be all right. Jonathan begins joking with her about changing the name of the mortuary. “How about ‘Death for Less’?” He asks. Leslie rolls her eyes and starts out of the room. “What about ‘Discount Death Mart’?” he says after her. He’s obviously concerned about how Leslie is going to turn the mortuary around and make it profitable.

Leslie goes into the basement to start putting away her mortuary tools. She finds several canisters of salt, which she thinks was used to make ice cream, as she finds an old-fashioned ice cream maker in the basement. She also sees a set of keys in a broken glass measuring cup. Reaching into the glass, she accidentally cuts her hand. Two drops of Leslie’s blood fall to the ground as she goes to get a bandage. She doesn’t see two black, snaky tendrils reach up from the drain in the floor of the mortuary creep up and absorb her blood.

And so starts the weirdness. Which includes zombies spitting black liquid, lots of running around and screaming and the usual stuff.

On a scale of 1 to 10 tombstones (1 = terrible, 10 = excellent): 1 tombstone. Snore. I’m so sorry Denise Crosby was in this. She was awesome as Lt. Yar on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Mortuary (2005; click on the movie title for IMDb info)

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This post was written by Spookylady